When I was in middle school and high school I had a strong belief in God. I grew up Catholic, went to church every day. Was an active participant in my church youth group, even served as someone's confirmation sponsor. Ever since I went to college, and moved away from home my faith year by year has slipped away. I haven't believed in the God I believed in then for years. Every now in then though, when I'm in great need, I feel myself searching.
I know I don't want to be Catholic anymore but then what? What do I believe?
I believe in balance. Meditation always puts my mind at peace and both relaxes and strengthens my body. But this is a practice. I don't pray ever, nor have I for years. I find myself though, in this moment, desperately needing something, someone, to pray to.
I went to see my surgeon today and I was right, my bite has moved. My lower jaw, which was moved forward during the surgery has pulled back a little. Why has this happened? I don't know. My surgeon doesn't know. Its put me back in my rubber bands though for the next week. They hurt. I don't want to wear them, but what can I do? I'm scared. He said this can be fixed, but what happens when you take away the rubber bands again? Will my stubborn jaw continue to give me problems?
My father asked me tonight is I had prayed. He is a very spiritual man. He doesn't go to church every week but he loves studying religion. He believes in the inter connectivity of everything. I felt guilty telling him that I hadn't but told him that I had been sending out a lot of good energy. He smiled and said "positivity and a peaceful mind is everything." Well I do agree with him, but positivity is something I have severely been lacking over the past couple weeks. I have been feeling down, stressed, worried, all of which is bad energy. So I wondered, have I done this to myself? Has all this negativity I've been putting out there somehow reversed my healing process?
I just want to heal and be done with this. I think I just need to sit, close my eyes, and smile. Smile everywhere in my body and let this energy fill my soul. And my mantra will be: "I will get through this."
Here are some pictures.